


Dear Lance

by loOkMA_iTyPeLiKeDiS



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Confessions, F/M, Not a Happy Story, friends with emotional benefits, mentions of allurance, s8, soft angst, word vomit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-03
Updated: 2019-01-03
Packaged: 2019-10-03 15:35:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17286758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loOkMA_iTyPeLiKeDiS/pseuds/loOkMA_iTyPeLiKeDiS
Summary: I can’t do this anymore…I’m done.





	Dear Lance

**Author's Note:**

> it’s canon based ish, i guess set in s8??? not really though? idk… i still refuse to watch it

_Dear Lance,_

_Maybe writing this letter is a dumb idea. Maybe it’s stupid for me to think that anything I say here will matter in the long run. And hell, maybe there’s a small part of me that’s **still** hoping that you’ll finally notice me when you read this._

_But I can no longer just sit here like this, holding in all my pain and feeling like my heart is ready to burst every damn day._

_I never told you this, but I’ve always had feelings for you. When I met you at the Garrison, I had a crush on you and it persisted after we went into space and long after we continued to fight in the war. The more I got to know you, the more my feelings just continued to grow and grow._

_Uncontrollably._

_I tried to ignore it, but every time you smiled at me, every time we played our video games, every time we talked about being younger siblings to brothers who loved to mess with us, I fell so much deeper._

_But you never saw me the way I saw you. And I don’t fault you for that. I don’t fault you for being in love with Allura, for pursuing a relationship with her, for spending every waking moment pining for her affections._

_She’s a princess, the heart of Voltron. She’s saved us all more times than we can count._

_Who wouldn’t fall for her?_

_And yet… despite my heartache, I still wanted to be close to you._

_You know, Keith warned me._

_He told me I was being reckless with my heart, that I was entertaining an imbalanced friendship that would ultimately bring me more pain than happiness. But I ignored him. I wanted to be with you. I wanted to be around you, sharing jokes, spending time together, going out and having a good time. I would take anything you could give me, any scraps at all, as long as you were looking at me._

_As long as I got to be close to you._

_And for a while, I kept telling myself it was enough. And it was. You were pining for Allura, I was pining for you, but nothing moved forward and I could exist in my little fantasy that you wanted me just as much as I wanted you. As long as you hung out with me, as long as we talked and played together and had fun, I was **fine**. But I was so stupid to think we would remain in that limbo forever. I don’t know why I was notoriously unable to see that my stupid decision to hold my true feelings back would come back to bite me in the ass and haunt me._

_Time always moves on._

_And eventually, you did too._

_And I wonder if I could have changed the tide of time had I stepped out of my comfort zone and actually told you how I felt long ago. Would you be with me then?_

_Even then, I refused to let you go._

_And we got so emotionally close._

_The first person you came to for everything. The person who shared all your inside jokes. The person who helped you whenever you called. The person who dropped everything to jump to your aid, defend you, listen to you, give you advice about dates, about your relationship, about sex. Always me. And at some point, I think you realised that too. You realised that I was always available no matter what, and it became a habit to come to me. I was addicted to your attention, no matter what pain I was feeling, no matter how much suffering I went through. Even when I told myself I needed to put space between us, you would come back to me needing me and destroyed my resolve with just a flash of those beautiful blue eyes I can never resist._

_It was ridiculous. We were always together, we had perfect chemistry, we had all the makings to be a perfect couple, but I was just the friend you loved having around for your emotional support and needs._

_And some way or somehow, I wanted to be needed by you._

_It took Keith knocking some sense into my head for me to recognise that I’m your friend with emotional benefits. I originally thought that was just the way our friendship worked, but the more this went on, the more I realised that you were using me in your own way, Lance. Even if **you** didn’t realise, even if you didn’t know, at the end of the day, you were using me._

_And that cuts deep._

_Like you showing up in my room so I can listen to you talk about how you wish Allura would take a break in her mission and focus all her attention on you. Or how you would call me in the middle of the night to go stargazing on the roof with you, only because Allura went to bed early. Or how you would come crawling into my bed to cuddle and feel the warmth of another human on your lazy mornings when Allura would wake up before dawn._

_And honestly, every time I was ready to give up, you would do something that made it impossible for me to even try to break away. It was like you were dangling a carrot in front of me, giving me just enough that I would come crawling back. Like you showing up with an adorable smile, peanut butter cookies, and a new video game. You giving me massages for my sore limbs and aching back. You telling me you love listening to me talk about the new advancements in tech I’m working on. You tracing my freckles softly and wrapping me in your arms._

_I stood no chance; I was helpless to fight you._

_We were so intimately, emotionally connected to each other and now I can’t help but feel pathetic for holding on so tight to my delusions that you might love me too._

_I was stupid to misunderstand._

_Because we weren’t **together**. We were not a couple. We were not dating. Even if everything you did to me and I did for you pointed to all those signs._

_You said you were lonely so you took me to the city to eat at cool places with food Allura didn’t particularly like and we danced drunkenly in your room in our underwear to pop music Allura didn’t enjoy and played video games until our eyes hurt that Allura didn’t care for and went to see dumb cheesy movies to make fun of that Allura didn’t understand and talked about our ambitions on Earth that Allura didn’t share, but it was never anything._

_Because like always, I would see you walking to Allura’s door at night. Like always, I would see her greet you with a kiss. Like always, I would see her wrap her arms around you._

_I would see you hold her tight._

_Unzip her dress._

_Caress her skin._

_Stumble into her room._

_And I would always be brutally reminded that no matter how much I wanted it, I would never be the ‘I love you’ or ‘I want to be with you’._

_It gets to you eventually no matter how strong you are. It got to me. The imbalance in our friendship, if one could even call it that. I was pining so hard for you to the point of making myself sick with grief every night. And it makes me angry. You made me feel like I could be a true commitment or even a possible forever, and yet…_

_None of it was ever real._

_I made it all up in my head, and you?_

_You were my enabler._

_It was like running a mile to reach a finish line only to realise I was never even in the race in the first place._

_And stubbornly, I **still** hoped._

_I made wishes and got my hopes up and then my heart broke when none of those desires were fulfilled. You would give me such warm smiles and gaze into my eyes and my heart would beat so fast but I would never ask if maybe you were starting to feel for me what I felt for you. I never wanted to know. Because if you said no, that illusion I’d given myself that we were finally moving somewhere would have been shattered and I’d have to accept that I was nothing but a crutch for you the way you are for Allura._

_That we’d never be serious._

_Each day I refused to step out of that roaring fire that was clearly destroying me. I was being dishonest with my emotions and told myself lie after lie that it was okay. But the fact that I spent so much time and energy with you and in your bed and yet never breached any sort of true physical intimacy I desperately desired with you was the worst kind of mental fuckery I have ever subjected myself to._

_I tried to tell myself that maybe you might change your mind one day. That you might have only wanted her because you idolised her. That your breathless adoration might dissipate as time went on. That your desperate wish for Allura to let you in more, for Allura to need you as more than as comfort for her grief would make you both decide to break things off. That you might want me. But the fact of the matter is, you opened up your heart to me solely because you needed someone around while you waited for Allura._

_And the worst part is, I let you._

_I want to be mad at you. I want to believe you knew exactly what you were doing every time you came to me asking for my advice, anytime you wanted someone to hold, someone to listen to you vent. I was there through everything, being your support, flying 4000 miles to Cuba for you when you wanted me there. You got the benefit of emotional availability with me to satisfy your needs, and what was I left with? Watching you spend every night in Allura’s bed, wrapped up in her arms, inside of her, proving to her night after night that all you want is her._

_And yet… I **still** hoped._

_But I can’t be mad because at the end of the day, that’s on me. I can’t fault anyone but myself for being so pitiful as to believe that being the one who was there for you in all this time, being the one who knows the inner workings of your mind, being the one who listened to you talk about your family, being the one who spent countless lazy afternoons letting you hold me would make you love me._

_Either way, I learned my lesson the hard way._

_I can’t be your tool for your emotions while some other girl gets all your love. I can’t sit back and watch you commit to someone else while you run to me whenever you need someone there. You left indentations of your fingerprints all over my heart, Lance. There are bruises there that I don’t think will ever heal, and I owe it to myself to move on and find some happiness one day too._

_I love you. But it’s killing me slowly, bit by bit, every time I see you with her._

_I can’t do this anymore, Lance._

_I’m done._

_Sincerely,_

_Pidge_


End file.
